Trapper Jeanne
by stormyskies73
Summary: Semi!Modern!AU. Weird coincidences leave fangirl Jeanne Mackerby convinced that she is, in fact, the reincarnation of (fictional) Trapper John McIntyre. As she sets out to Make Amends for Welcome To Korea (someone has to!), her friends think 'Trapper Jeanne' has finally snapped...but what if she's right? Eventual PierceIntyre and others. Beta'd by Zoe.
1. Pilot- Saving Captain McIntyre

**This is just an idea I had that kind of took over my life.**

**Pairings will be many and varied, but if you don't like one you can read it as OC/OC because of the nature of the story.**

**Will contain genderbend in places, slash-as-het, het-as-femmeslash, slash-as-femmeslash, and possible OOCishness (although, again, this is relative).**

* * *

><p>A young girl seats herself in front of her laptop. If she were to turn the light on, the room would be pure white, but she prefers it off. She can think better that way. She begins to type, the soft clatter of the keys the only sound.<p>

_My name is Jeanne Mackerby, _she writes, _I am seventeen years old, and I am the reincarnation of Trapper John McIntyre._

_It sounds crazy, but it's true. At least, I'm pretty sure it's true. It all started a week ago._

* * *

><p>"No." The crazy-looking Japanese girl folded her arms. "Jeanne Mackerby, there's no way you are going out in <em>that.<em>"

Jeanne was dressed in olive-drab. Head to toe.

"Mim's right." The third member of the group shruuged. "That is _way too much khaki!_"

"Says you. Miyumi, that shirt was in the men's clothing section. Tassie, if you had any more badges they'd hear you in Australia!"

"All we're trying to say is that you're only going on a date, not a police action." Tassie brushed her blonde hair off her face and sighed.

"Mentally, I am forever in Korea." Jeanne folded her arms. "And 'police action'? You know me better than that."

Miyumi and Tassie looked at each other. "Eventually, Mackerby, you are going to have to accept that there is, in fact, a life outside of seventies TV shows." Tassie turned to root through her friend's wardrobe.

* * *

><p><em>Most girls my age watch 'normal', mainstream stuff. Not me. I watch M*A*S*H. A lot.<em>

_I can't help it! I love it, and should anyone challenge me I will give them a deviated septum. That goes double for anyone who dares question the love Hawkeye and Trapper had for one another. They were soulmates, dammit, and WTK pretty much broke my heart. How could it end that way? Finding the answer (the _real_ answer, not the IRL dispute that caused it) obsessed me._

_This addiction is the reason I noticed it._

* * *

><p>She tired of glaring at her companions and turned to the mirror, clipping up her short brownish-blonde waves. There was something achingly familiar about her reflection when she did that, but it was impossible to place it.<p>

"It's not even my first date." She protested. "Why should I dress like someone I'm not?"

"You already are." Miyumi (better known as Mim) punched her lightly in the arm. "Now make yourself pretty for Lewis."

"Why are you two even here?" Jeanne elbowed her in return.

"So we can save you from yourself." Tassie replied, yelping in pain a moment later when she caught her finger in one of the many pins adorning her jacket.

"Whatever." She conceded, turning around as Tassie unhooked the injured digit and stuck it in her mouth.

* * *

><p><em>Two of my so-called friends, Tassie Drake and Miyumi Kan (Mim), somehow decided I needed help with my love life, so they set me up with Lewis Bricker a couple of weeks ago. He's cute enough, but there was always something missing.<em>

* * *

><p>"Whatever?" Mim and Tassie stared.<p>

"I honestly don't care."

"Things aren't working out?" Mim quizzed. Tassie just looked confused, but then, Tassie was never really alert even after seven cups of coffee.

"It's not that." Jeanne hesitated, unsure of how to proceed. "I can see us going the distance. I can see us getting married, having kids...but I can't see myself wanting any of it. I can see myself cheating. We've only been on three dates and I'm already getting bored." She tipped her head back, as though the ceiling had the answers. "He's not totally disgusting, and he's nice to be around, but 'nice' isn't enough. I want fireworks."

* * *

><p><em>We can't have chemistry, I know that now. We never can, because my heart and soul are bound to another's, forever and always, until the end of time. I am physically incapable of settling for anything less. The Lewis Brickers of the world aren't what I want, and they sure aren't what I need.<em>

_It took me till Date 4 to realize it, though._

* * *

><p>"Jeanne?" Lewis looked across the table at her, concerned. "Are you OK?" For the past five minutes she had been staring into space.<p>

"Sure." She snapped herself out of her trance and nodded.

"Do you even know what I'm talking about?"

Jeanne did not. 'I'm sorry, I just...can't focus right now." The strange sense of déjà vu from earlier was growing stronger all the time. It was on the tip of her tongue...and then it hit her.

_Jeannejohnmackerbymcintyrelewislouiseblondhairhazeleyes- _

"Holy shit, I'm Trapper John McIntyre!" She stood up quickly. "I'm so sorry, I have to go!" She bolted, leaving a very confused Lewis in her wake.

* * *

><p><em>So now I know who I am, leaving me with two tasks. One: to break it to my friends (and my mum when the time is right). Two: find Hawkeye (my soulmate, obvi) and fix my Epic 'Welcome to Korea' Fail.<em>

* * *

><p>"So it's official?" Carson asked as the two of them waited in the lunch queue the following day.<p>

"Yep. Lewis and I are over. I'm single!"

He grinned. "Wanna fix that?"

"I wouldn't go out with you, Carson Spears, if you were the last man alive." Jeanne laughed.

"Not me. Those two," he indicated the people a few places in front of him, "are also members of the Newly Single Club. Double-team?"

"No." She shook her head. "I'm saving myself."

He looked at her in shock. "Who are you and what have you done with Jeanne Mackerby?"

"I'll explain in a minute. It's my turn for food poisoning."

* * *

><p>"I have news!" Jeanne declared triumphantly as she sat down, followed by Carson. Tassie, Mim, Lewis and Jake Orwell (the fifth member of her usual group) fixed expectant eyes on her. Carson just smiled.<p>

"We know your conspiracy theory about Louise McIntyre and Louise Burns being the same person, Jeanne."

She ignored the jibe. "It's not that. It's better." She paused for dramatic effect.

"Sooo... Are you going to tell us?" Tassie asked.

"Yep. I, Jeanne McIntyre, was Trapper in a previous life."

Jake screwed up his face, as though trying to place something, before seemingly giving up and going back to his food. Tassie facepalmed. Carson laughed. Lewis groaned.

Mim summed up the general feeling at the table with "You're crazier than I am."

"Listen, I've been thinking really hard about this, and I can prove it! My name and his sound pretty damn similar, we have similar genetic makeup, the name Lewis is literally the male version of Louise and I dated a Lewis and he married a Louise, we both play the ukelele, he was a surgeon and I'm taking A-level biology-"

"Jeanne, I'm pretty sure the last two were deliberate."

"Shut up, Lewis. And it gets even cooler."

"If by 'cooler', you mean 'weirder'." By now, Tassie was seriously considering moving to another table.

"Just hear me out, ye of little faith. I've figured out why I can't maintain an interest in any one guy for more than three days. Not only am I psychically predisposed towards infidelity, due to the whole reincarnation thing, I am doomed to remain so until I can find my eternal soulmate, formerly known as Hawkeye Pierce, and make things right."

"So, in other words, you dumped your boyfriend for Alan Alda." Jake piped up.

"No. That would be creepy. Now are you guys gonna help me or what?"

"If I help you, will it shut you up?" Tassie asked.

"Maybe."

"I'll take that chance. I'm in."

"Me too." Jake would do whatever Tassie said.

"Might as well." Lewis added.

"Could be interesting." That came from Mim. The five of them looked over at Carson.

"Count me in,Trapper Jeanne."

She contemplated the nickname for a moment. "I like it."

* * *

><p><em>And so my quest began. I screwed up big time in my last lifetime, and now I have to undo it in this one. I've started this blog to document my progress, and maybe, just maybe, Hawk's reading this.<em>

_If so, I can fix this. I'll find you, I promise. Trust me._

_I'm coming, ready or not._

* * *

><p>Jake hadn't told anyone, but he'd been having some pretty crazy dreams for the past two years. Not every night, but at least once a week. As soon as he closed his eyes, he'd reopen them in another place, another time. If he looked in a mirror during the dreams, his reflection would be different; lighter hair, skin and eyes, and glasses even though he had perfect vision normally. Disappointingly, he was still as short as ever. They weren't a reccuring dream (the events were always different), more like an alternate reality, another life. He'd be given tasks by a man he knew but had never met, be sent to places he could find on autopilot but had never been, talk to people he didn't know but whose names were written on his memory. Names, he realized now he thought about it, plucked right out of Jeanne's fandom of choice.<p>

As soon as he got home that day, he turned to the Internet, and saw the impossible. The faces, names and locations from the dreams, exactly as he remembered.

Somehow he knew minute details from a show he'd never watched in his life. And he had done since long before Jeanne had even discovered it.

Was it really possible that Jeanne really was Trapper?

Could Jake and Radar really be one and the same person?

What did this mean for everyone else?

Somehow, they would have to find out.


	2. Mistaken Identity

**If anyone's reading this, hi! This time, Jeanne begins her quest...but has she made a mistake?**

* * *

><p><em>I have news! I have managed to find- wait, I should probably tell you from the beginning. But trust me, it'll be worth the wait...I hope.<em>

* * *

><p>"You ready, Jeanne?" Jake held the camera in a shaky grip as he pointed it at the khaki-clad teenager and tried to distract himself from the realization of the previous night.<p>

"As I'll ever be." She affected a movie-star drawl. "Darling, I'm ready for my closeup!"

He pressed 'record.'

"Hey." Jeanne smiled into the lens. "I'm Jeanne, but you can call me Trapper, if you want. If you are who I think you are, you'll know me better by that name. So, I should probably tell me a little about myself now. I like Biology, reruns of M*A*S*H, and music, and my OTP is PierceIntyre. That's kind of what I want to talk about. As some of you out there may have heard if you've read my blog post, I am Trapper John McIntyre reincarnated, and if you know that you also know I'm searching for my soulmate, who I really blew my chance with last time around." She laughed nervously. "If I'm Trapper, it stands to reason that Hawkeye Pierce was reborn too, and a lot of people use YouTube, so maybe if he's out there he'll be watching this. Hey! It's been way too long! So, if you recognize me from a previous existence, don't hesitate to get in touch. Trapper Jeanne, out." Jake kept filming. "You can stop now."

"Sorry."

"What makes you think anyone's gonna take this seriously?" Lewis asked, idly spinning in his ex's chair. She'd invited them all round to help her figure out a plan of action.

"Because soulmates always find each other." Tassie answered in Jeanne's place. She was lying through her teeth. Her friend was insane, she'd decided, but it was best just to humour her. Hopefully she'd get over it.

"What she said."

"I hate to be the one to rain on your parade, but you can't be the reincarnation of someone who never existed."

"Which just goes to show how little you know. According to a pamphlet that came with my DVDs, the 4077th was actually based off a real MASH unit called the 8055th. I don't know how true that is, but there was definitely a real-life Radar, and Richard Hooker said in the preface to the book that the characters were loosely based on real people. So there." She stuck her tongue out.

"Which still doesn't make you Trapper, Jeanne."

"Um...guys?"

"What is it, Jake?" Tassie asked, relieved to have someone else talking.

"There's something I kinda haven't told you."

"Then spill!" Mim demanded unblinkingly. She was upside down on her back on Jeanne's bed, her head hanging off,and for some reason she hadn't blinked once since she got there. No-one asked why. With Mim Kan it was best not to. The explanation would doubtless be even more confusing.

"Tell us all!" Carson added.

"For the past couple of years , I've been having these dreams, and..."

"And what? Jeanne asked.

"And in the dreams I wake up as Radar, and it's weird cos none of us knew about M*A*S*H when I started having them, see?"

Trapper Jeanne turned her head to the side and squinted. "Yep. You're Radar, alright. Come up with a rational explanation for _that,_ Skeptic McSkeptic!"

"Cryptomnesia. You saw a fragment of an episode whilst channel-hopping and got enough from it to dream it. Maybe it was Wikipedia's featured article and you forgot about it. The rest could be filled in from logic and historical knowledge."

Carson, Jeanne and Mim looked at each other and laughed, and Mim lost her balance. The fall onto her cranium forced her to lose focus on keeping her eyes open. "Dammit! I blinked!"

"That," Carson said, "actually makes some of Mim's conspiracy theories look sane."

"Unlike the infamous 'we are actually just alien Sims' theory, this one is possible. This guy could remember text in a variant of Latin after seeing some other bloke reading something in it."

"Then I'll put your idea to the test." Jeanne turned to her small friend. "Jake. If you are, in fact, experiencing recollections of your past life, and by extension mine, you should be able to answer the following questions. One: Who tried to kill Henry?"

"Cowboy."

"Correct."

"Reincarnationists one, skeptic zero." Carson wrote the score in the air with his finger.

"Two: What year were the original Hawkeye and Trapper born?"

"Original?"

"As in, _not_ reincarnated Hawkeye and me."

"1925."

"Also correct."

"I don't think you can get this kinda stuff from skimreading a Wikipedia page." Mim shook her head.

"Three: How many people had some variant or rhyme of 'John' as part of their name?"

"You can't ask that!" Lewis stated incredulously. "It's ridiculous!"

"But something that would only be known to someone there at the time, or a really obsessed fan."

"Four?"

"I think so."

"Again, ridiculous question."

"Shut up, Louise."

"Lewis, and it still doesn't count."

"Thank God I dumped you before we ended up married with two kids."

The conversation carried on in a similar vein for quite a while, with Jeanne alternating between obscure M*A*S*H factiods and objecting to Lewis's frequent objections, Carson and Mim providing a commentary, and Tassie wondering just what was going on, until Trapper Jeanne finally stopped.

"And now I can't think of anything more to ask. He's telling the truth."

* * *

><p><em>I found out who Radar is in this life (Jake Orwell), but that isn't my main story here. Lewis isn't too happy that we settled a philosophicalreligious/scientific debate with a trivia contest, but it worked - which begs the question, how many of the people I know are reincarnations of the people Trapper knew? If I used to date Louise, and Radar's in my inner circle, are Henry, Klinger and, well, just about everyone else stationed at the 4077th kicking around these parts too? Are Frank and Margaret still sliming around in my peripheral vision? And what about the people Trap never met, like BJ, Potter and Charles? God, I hope I never run into BJ if the B-eye shippers are correct. Then it'll just get awkward._

_But I've gotten off-topic._

* * *

><p>"Is she wearing an actual kilt?" Lewis still wasn't quite used to Mim's eccentric dress sense. Today, she was sporting the aforementioned kilt and a white blouse, with riding boots that didn't really go with anything. When it came to clothing, Mim was of the opinion that anything could be adjusted to fit, and anything could be customised. By the time she was done it was hard to tell what gender a garment had originally been designed for. She was supposed to look smart on weekdays, of course, and in her own way she did, but no-one ever really saw it that way. In the eyes of her superiors, she violated the dress code constantly.<p>

"I think she looks nice." Tassie defended.

"Really pretty." Jake added. "I mean, I wouldn't go out with her or anything, but it looks good on her."

"Nice to know. You're not my type anyway." Mim smirked.

"Oh, I know that." Most people knew that.

"I will never get used to how weird your friends are." Lewis muttered in her general direction.

"You don't have to. We're not together anymore."

"And Trapper Jeanne's friends are awesome!" Carson chipped in. "I should know because I'm one."

"Don't encourage her."

"You're the one who chooses to stick around." Lewis had considered Tassie his ally, a fellow voice of reason in the face of Jeanne and Jake's shared delusion, and Carson and Miyumi's willingness to go along with it. He forgot she'd known the four of them longer than him.

The group eventually split off in separate directions - Jeanne, Tassie and Carson to Biology, Lewis to English - leaving only Mim and Jake to make their way along the corridor.

"Do you really believe us?" Jake asked.

Mim linked her arm through his. "Of course I do. Hey, do you think I'm a reincarnated MASHer too?"

"S'possible, I guess." He shrugged. "Maybe we were friends."

"I hope so. Can't really see us not being. Wonder what I looked like?"

Jake stared at her a while, then screwed up his eyes. "Male, Lebanese, wore dresses, large nose, excess body hair."

"Eh?"

"If I stare at someone really hard and then shut my eyes fast I can sort of see who they were when they weren't them. That's what I'm seeing. It's you, back then. Before you were you."

"That's what I looked like in a past life? I'm OK with the first two, and the third's kinda awesome, but the last two? What made you think I'd want to know that?" She began to storm off.

"Don't you wanna know your old name?"

"I guess..."

"Max Klinger. You were a Corporal."

"Good to know."

* * *

><p><em>It didn't feel anything like I thought it would.<em>

* * *

><p>On the way out of the lab, Jeanne collided heavily with someone heading in.<p>

"Sorry!" Her textbook fell to the floor and she bent to pick it up. She stood up again and awkwardly stuck out a hand. _Get a grip, Trap, _she told herself, _right now you're acting more like Radar. It's embarrassing. _"Hey." _Slightly cooler._

"Hi." He ignored it. "Ben Farrow. I don't think we've met."

_Benfarrowbenjaminfranklinisthisevenpossiblehaveidoneit-_

"Trapper Jeanne Mackerby. Trap for short." _That's so not how Trapper would handle this..._

"Can I just call you Jeanne?"

"Sure. Actually, no-one calls me Trap. Carson does call me Trapper Jeanne, though."

"That's an...err...interesting name."

"You like it? It's a M*A*S*H reference." She was sure she was blushing by now, but it didn't make any difference. She'd done it. After God knows how many years of searching she finally had the chance to make things right.

"Are you doing anything on Saturday? We can talk about your name some more?"

"Not yet."

* * *

><p><em>Yes, my friends, I may have, quite literally, run into Hawkeye (Ben Farrow). <em>

_It was a little awkward, sure, but it's been six decades, things are bound to be a little weird. The point is, now I don't have to feel bad about leaving without saying goodbye. I can make amends. I'm one step closer to Fixing It._

_Right?_

* * *

><p>"She's making a mistake." Carson insisted later.<p>

"I know." Jake added. "I did that eye thing I did on Mim and Ben isn't Hawkeye, just some Major with no lips."

"We should tell her." Mim said, concerned.

"Guys, this reincarnation thing is ridiculous." Tassie replied. "We can't stop Jeanne, who's our _friend, _from getting past the flirting stage of a relationship just because it doesn't fit in with a slash pairing from the 1970s."

"She's right. And if the whole soulmates thing is true, she'll know it's wrong."

Carson's voice was slightly sad, but he tried to disguise it. "I hope you're right, Lewis."


	3. Ferret Face

**Jeanne finds something out about Ben she'd rather not have...**

* * *

><p><em>I, Trapper Jeanne Mackerby, have been a complete and utter idiot.<em>

* * *

><p>"So, as soon as I realized that I was actually Trapper-"<p>

"That's impossible!" When Ben had agreed to let Jeanne tell him about where she got the name 'Trapper', he hadn't expected _this_. Midway into her story, he'd come to the conclusion that she was spectacularly insane; problem was, she had no idea.

"I know, but I am. Anyway, I had to tell my friends, and Carson called me Trapper Jeanne - y'know, like Trapper John but female." Jeanne, in contrast, had almost shaken off the slight unease she'd felt earlier, replacing it with near-total misguided fulfilment.

"That's how you got the name."

"Yep."

"Okay..." He was going to have to end things. "Listen, err, Trapper," _Maybe if I call her that she won't hurt me, _"there's something I should probably tell you-"

"I have something to tell you as well. If I'm Trapper, then it would make sense to assume that Hawkeye's around here too, and we're soulmates."

Ben breathed a barely-audible sigh of relief. "So we aren't going on a second date?"

"No, we are." Jeanne grabbed his hand. "It's fate that we ran into each other the other day."

"You mean-"

An incoming text saved him from having to finish that sentence.

**Hayley**

_**Well? Does she like u, Ben?**_

He glanced up at his accidental new girlfriend.

**Ben**

_**She likes me 2 much!**_

* * *

><p><em>I suppose I really should have seen it coming. Why didn't I? Is this some sort of cosmic payback for WTK? For not saying goodbye? For being a cheat?<em>

* * *

><p>"How'd it go?" Mim practically yelled down the phone as Jeanne walked home alone. Ben had legged it as soon as whoever it was (he said it was his mum) had texted, leaving her to go her own way. She hadn't cared, though.<p>

"Fine-"

"Hold on a sec, I'll put you on speaker. Carson and Lewis wanted to watch a marathon of some sci-fi show and dragged the rest of us off to watch it. We're all here!" She lowered her voice. "Truth be told, this'll be more interesting than the show."

"I told him!" The delight was evident in Jeanne's voice.

"You did what?" Lewis hollered over the clamour of dismay coming from the other end.

"How'd he take it?" Tassie asked, after telling everyone to shut up.

"I dunno. He left immediately. His mum texted, said she needed him."

"So he didn't just ditch, then?"

"No!"

When she eventually hung up, Mim, Carson, Jake and Tassie all turned to look at Jake.

"Who texted him?" Tassie asked.

"How should I know?"

Carson shrugged. "ESP?"

"You _can _remember your MASHverse life without the aid of reruns or Wikipedia." Mim reasoned. "And you _can _tell who we used to be by looking. And you _did _have some degree of telepathy in your previous life, according to the Internet. That has to count for something."

Jake closed his eyes. "I'll try." He scrunched up his face in concentration for a moment. "Hayley Michaelson." He said finally. "I think they're seeing each other."

"But what about Jeanne?" Carson demanded.

"She's going to realize her error and snap out of this whole reincarnation thing." Lewis responded calmly. "Then life can go back to normal.

"I just don't want to see her hurt. This means a lot to her."

* * *

><p><em>I repent, all right, Universe? I apologize from the bottom of my heart, and all the rest of my vital organs for good measure. I'm sorry!<em>

* * *

><p><em>"<em>Ben, you _have _to keep doing this!" Hayley pleaded.

"But Hayley," he whinged, "she's _psycho._"

_"_Too bad. Deal with it. This is important. And it was your idea!"

"What have I got myself into?"

* * *

><p>"Jeanne," Tassie began the following day at lunch, "there's something you should know about Ben."<p>

"What?"

"That text wasn't from his mum." Jake twisted his hands in front of him.

"It was from Hayley Michaelson, according to Jake. I 'borrowed' his phone a while so I could prove it." Five sets of eyes focused on Mim. "I put it back! I took pictures of the screen, and he'll never even know I touched it!"

"Well, they hang out. Why wouldn't she text him? I text you guys all the time!" Then the penny dropped. "Why did he lie about it?"

"He's cheating on you."

Jeanne sighed. "Typical. _Just _typical."

* * *

><p><em>Turns out Ben is not Hawkeye. Very much not.<em>

* * *

><p>"Hey! Farrow!" Jeanne yelled. She hadn't had a chance to talk to him since she'd found out. Now, however, she needed answers. "Explain!"<p>

Panicked eyes met furious ones. "Explain what?" Ben squeaked.

"You lied to me."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" He looked away from her fierce glare.

"Hayley Michaelson."

"You've got it all wrong! Hayley and I are just _friends_!"

"Yeah, right. I thought that maybe I could love you someday, that you could be my soulmate!"

"Jeanne, listen-"

She ignored his desperate plea. "Why?" She asked simply. "Why'd you do it?"

"I..." She looked at him expectantly. "I think I'm failing Biology, and I needed help."

"You've only been taking AS Bio for three weeks! And you must have passed at GCSE! How can you possibly be failing?"

"My mum wanted me to study it. I only scraped a B because I copied from Spears."

"And you figured that by winning my affection you could get me to tutor you?"

He nodded.

"Next time, figure better."

* * *

><p>Jeanne curled up in her room, with the lights turned off, listening to her music and moping. She thought of the person she had once been, before she was Jeanne Mackerby, and thought of who she was now. <em>This never happened to Trapper John. Although I guess it has now, seeing as I'm sort of him.<em>

There was a knock on her closed bedroom door.

"Piss off!"

"It's me."

"Who let you in, Carson?"

"You gave me a spare key when you were fourteen."

"Well, get out!"

"I brought you something."

"OK, you can come in. Then go." He opened the door and flicked on the light. He held a package under one arm.

"I'm sorry about what happened with Ben."

"So am I." Jeanne squinted slightly - sitting in the dark tends to have that effect. "I don't know why I just assumed he was Hawkeye. That was stupid of me."

"Yep." She threw a cushion at his head. "Was it the name?"

"Yep."

"You know, if you rearrange BF you get FB."

"Frank Burns." Horror slowly dawned on the girl's face. "I almost dated _Ferret Face?!_"

"Seems so."

"Shit." The two were silent."What did you get me?"

He handed her the parcel. "Open it."

To any normal seventeen year old girl, a friend buying you a bright yellow dressing gown for no apparent reason would probably be slightly weird (even as a birthday or Christmas present, this would still be the case). To Trapper Jeanne Mackerby it made perfect sense.

"If you're going to be Trapper, you may as well dress the part."

Her eyes had gone shiny, in the same way small children's do in Disneyland. "Was this-"

"-Actually worn by Wayne Rogers on set?" Carson finished for her. "If you were anyone else I would say yes, but you're you, so I'll be honest. No. Sorry."

"Well, I don't care. I love it." When she tried it on, it was slightly too big, but she didn't mind. "Now get out."

It was only when he'd left the flat that Jeanne found herself wondering how he knew quite so much about _M*A*S*H._

* * *

><p><em>I don't give two flying craps, though. As of today, the world will see a new me. Less naïve. Less desperate (at least on the surface). Less awkward.<em>

_After all, within my feminine, 21st-century ribcage beats a heart that once belonged to my predecessor. My soul is that of Trapper McIntyre, and I feel I owe it to all those people I met as him, and all the people I have met as me, to Hawkeye (past and present), and most importantly to myself -whoever that is- to remedy my past mistakes, and I can't do that if I'm constantly running in the wrong direction and blocking off the right roads._

_I'm not giving up. I'm just being a little more patient._

* * *

><p>Carson really did care about Jeanne - enough to spend several hours searching the Internet for anywhere that might stock that bathrobe the previous day, and actually pay for it in an overpriced junk shop.<p>

Maybe he cared about the girl he'd known since he was five as more than a friend.

Yet he didn't think he wanted to be Hawkeye. If he was, he knew she wouldn't love him for him.

So, unlike Mim, he had no desire to ask Jake who he used to be - not because he didn't believe like Lewis (and Tassie, although she was slowly coming round), but because he didn't want to know.

_Ignorance_, thought Carson K. Spears, _is bliss_.


	4. Avenger

**Trapper Jeanne has her revenge, and Mim puts it on the internet.**

* * *

><p><em>I, Trapper Jeanne, have officially discarded the (sadly, literal) Pooh Bear dressing gown of naïveté and desperation and donned the (also literal) bathrobe of Renewed Resolve and General Increase In Trapperness..<em>

_(I take this moment to thank Carson K. Spears for his generous gift. It isn't authentic or anything, but it's yellow and free of Disney characters, much like my predecessor's, and for this I will be eternally grateful.)_

_In the spirit of Not Being Desperate, I will not spend my weekend frantically adding to my (again, literal) list of potential soulmates._

* * *

><p>"Why exactly am I here rather than in bed?" Tassie asked, dragging a brush through her hair as she stood on Carson's doorstep with Jake, Mim and Lewis. It was 9am on a Saturday, and on a typical weekend she didn't get up until 11 at the earliest.<p>

"I think Carson and Trapper Jeanne wanted to show us something." Jake guessed.

"Well, it'd better be worth it." she grumbled.

* * *

><p><em>Instead, Carson and I decided to do something fun today! Well, we thought it was fun, anyway. I believe the exact words used by Lewis were 'the most pointless thing I have ever seen.'<em>

* * *

><p>"Behold, ladies and gentlemen, the answer to all our woes!" Carson declared theatrically, gesturing to a sheet-covered object in the middle of his living room.<p>

"A duvet cover?" Tassie looked confused.

"Wow." Mim added sarcastically.

Lewis facepalmed.

"Nay. My glamorous assistant shall now _remove _the sheet_. _TrapperJeanne?"

Jeanne whipped the navy fabric off the structure beneath.

"That," Lewis began as the four of them stared, unimpressed, at the slightly manky shopping trolley, "is the most pointless thing I have ever seen."

"Did you guys fish that out of the-"

"They fished it out of the canal." Jake cut in over Tassie's question.

"What are you going to do with that thing?" Mim queried.

"We were thinking of strapping Ben into it and rolling him down the hill into the water." Jeanne shrugged.

"Can I test it?"

"Of course, Mim." Carson replied.

"Awesome!"

* * *

><p><em>The canal round here is notoriously disgusting, but if you don't mind getting your feet wet and there's something interesting lodged near the bank and sticking above the surface you should try to reach it. The old head of Sixth Form for our school had a dog that fell in and came out with a necklace someone dropped, apparently. It was only worth £20, but that's besides the point.<em>

_I did mind getting my feet wet, and so did Carson, so we just tied a coat hanger (from his parents' wardrobe) to a rake (from the cupboard under the Spears's stairs) and tried to hook a waterlogged shopping trolley out last night._

_We managed it (after we both fell in at least once), and brought it back chez Spears to unveil the following day (today)._

* * *

><p>The sound of her phone ringing caused HayleyMichaelson to spill (sugary pink and overpriced, but admittedly very shiny) nail varnish over her left hand.<p>

_"Hayley-"_

"What is it now, Ben?" she snapped, with her phone clamped between her ear and shoulder and she tried valiantly to clean her hand and dressing table.

_"You remember how yesterday I told you I saw those two morons messing around in the canal?"_

"Yes."

_"Well, I live across the road from Spears, and-"_

"I know where you live, Ben." she sighed irritably.

_"-and they have their whole pack in there. Drake, Orwell, Kan, that Bricker guy, all of them!"_

"Why do you keep calling them by their last names only?"

_"I don't know; it just fits, I guess. I called Mackerby 'Jeanne' before she started hating me."_

"Ben, if you aren't going to say anything important I'm going to hang up." Hayley, although beautiful, had a very short temper and a notorious lack of patience. How she'd been able to bring herself to go out with Ben Farrow of all people was anyone's guess.

_"Sweetie, don't be like that!"_

"You have five seconds."

_"I think they might be plotting something."_

Hayley paused. "I'll be right there."

* * *

><p>The group of six gathered around the trolley Carson and Trapper Jeanne had so thoughtfully rescued from a watery grave were getting increasingly uneasy.<p>

"They're watching us..." Lewis muttered ominously.

On the other side of the street, Ben and Hayley took turns staring at them through a pair of binoculars.

"I'm not so sure we should be doing this." Jake edged towards the door.

"Do your parents know about this?" For once,Tassie Drake was attempting to be responsible.

"Yeah. They saw it when Trap and I dragged it in last night."

"Do they know what you're planning to do with it?"

"Nope. They had adult stuff to do today; it didn't seem worth telling them." That explained the apparently empty house. "And we don't know what we're doing with it either."

"I thought we were going to get Farrow into it and send them both back from whence they came." Mim reminded.

"Right."

Lewis looked at the trolley, then outside at the two master spies (or master idiots with binoculars), then back again. "How are you going to get this thing outside without people thinking you've nicked it, then?

The two trolley-catchers smiled.

* * *

><p><em>When Kelsey Bright (evil ex-girlfriend of Carson) ditched him back in Year Ten, myself, Tassie, Jake and Mim helped him get over her by burning all photos he had of her - we printed out every snapshot on his phone and laptop and we set up a bonfire. Mim and I brought marshmallows.<em>

_Now Ferret Face Farrow has heartlessly taken advantage of my wholesome, noble, and well-meaning quest and my deep-rooted reserves of devotion (the bastard), Carson said he was going to help _me_ in exchange. Although I don't need assistance here (I'm so over him, and never really liked him anyway), I am letting him, mainly because the idea of Farrow in the icky canal is hilarious._

* * *

><p>"They're leaving." Hayley jabbed Ben in the ribs and pointed to the small group heading out of Carson's front door and down the street, all seemingly clustered around something.<p>

The two waited until their targets turned a corner before following them.

* * *

><p>"Is it safe?" Trapper Jeanne asked half an hour later as Mim dragged the trolley (which she had christened <em>'Avenger'<em>, since all ships must have a name) back up the hill in the neighbourhood's pathetic excuse for a park. It consisted mainly of a rusty iron perimeter fence that had once been more decorative, a folorn-looing swing set, and the hill (not really a hill so much as a taller-than-average mound). There was also nothing but a foot of concrete walkway dividing it from what was often referred to as the Black Lagoon (really, the scummy canal infested with dead pigeons and the occasional shopping trolley), which ran through it. If Jake, Tassie and Lewis hadn't been stationed at the bottom of the so-called slope to catch her, their friend would have rolled straight into the ominous water below. (They were there under duress. By the time the mission was due to be completed, they would do no such thing.)

"Probably not." she answered cheerfully. "Should we have someone standing by to pull him out?"

Carson and Jeanne pondered the issue a moment.

"Nope." Carson said finally.

"He yells at Year Sevens for breathing the same air as him sometimes." Jeanne added. She wondered how she'd been able to overlook that fact at any point.

"They're coming!" Jake hollered as he, Lewis and Tassie, none of whom wanted any part of the scheme, legged it elsewhere. Mim got out her phone and started filming in anticipation of the coming events.

A moment later, Hayley and Ben pushed open the half-broken gate and looked around. When their moronic eyes alighted upon the three figures and _Avenger_, they began walking purposefully towards them.

"Spears, Mackerby," the more masculine of the two prats barked, trying to appear vaguely important and impress Hayley (someone, probably Carson or Jeanne, but conceivably anybody - the true identity of the responsible party had been lost to history - had started a betting pool first on whether they were dating, and then on when they would break up as soon as the truth of the first matter was revealed), "what the hell are you doing?"

"Sledging." Jeanne responded, as Mim glared at Ben for not acknowledging her.

"We didn't have an actual sledge or any real snow, so we're making do." Carson indicated the trolley.

"You can't do that!" the female prat protested.

"I'll call the police!" Ben threatened.

Carson, Trapper Jeanne and Mim pulled _Avenger_ further away from Ben. As expected, he dashed forwards to grab her (all ships are female), and, as expected, he tripped over his own feet and fell into her basket.

_Avenger_ began to roll slowly downhill.

It wasn't quite the dramatic plummet they'd hoped for, but when given a little extra push just before she trundled merrily out of reach, _Avenger _had enough momentum to reach the edge of the boundary separating the park from the Black Lagoon and deposit her cargo, yelping, into the freezing, unsanitary depths before falling in herself.

As Hayley squealed "Benny!" and rushed to the side of the canal, he came up for air, spluttering, and with a used condom nestled in his hair like a little hat.

"I'll tell Mummy!" He yelled weakly.

"And the police!" Hayley tried desperately to salvage both their dignities as she attempted to help Ben out of the water.

"No you won't." Jeanne countered.

"We've known you both since the start of secondary school. We know things about you." Carson didn't reveal what those 'things' were, but the thought of them were enough to buy Hayley and Ben's silence. The two gave their rivals, and the smallish crowd that had gathered around, the evil eye before mooching off, Ben swatting at his new headgear in a futile attempt to dislodge it.

"Next time, Ferret Face," Jeanne called after him, "try being nice for once in your life."

He chose not to reply.

The onlookers dispersed, and Jake, Lewis and Tassie wandered back over. The six teens looked down into the putrid murk of the canal.

"Godspeed, _Avenger._" Carson saluted, the movement echoed by most of his companions. He, Jake and the girls were silent a moment, mourning the loss of the trolley. They seemed to have reached an unspoken agreement that none of them would venture into the Black Lagoon to retrieve her.

Lewis was much less emotional about the matter.

"For God's sake," he muttered, heading back towards the gate, "it was just a shopping trolley someone dumped in the canal."

The others were forced to admit he was right and began to traipse after him.

* * *

><p><em>I'd like to think Hawk and Trap would be proud of us. Y'know, I think a part of me might have hoped he and I would meet again today, when I was doing something so (mildly) Trapperesque, but it wasn't to be. Oh, well.<em>

_I'm too happy to be sad. After all, I've identified another reincarnated MASHer (Hayley Michaelson as Hot Lips Houlihan), albeit a not-very-nice one, excacted revenge upon he who wronged me, and didn't get desperate or swoony! Not once! Bet you anything Trapper never got swoony. It's demeaning. Thank God I'm past that._

* * *

><p>Jake knew exactly who in his current life had been who in his past. He was Radar, Mim was Klinger, Jeanne was Trapper (of course), Tassie was Henry Blake (which made his slight crush on her feel a little wrong somehow), Lewis was Louise, and so on. And so he knew Carson's MASHverse identity, although Carson wouldn't let him reveal it even to him, and he knew who Hawkeye was in the present.<p>

Trouble was, Jeanne didn't know this essential information.

How the hell was he supposed to tell her?


	5. Weird Science

**Lewis tries to debunk Jeanne's theory, and their circumstances are finally explained. Meanwhile, Tassie has an admirer.**

* * *

><p><em>Of all of us, I'd have assumed that Lewis Bricker, known skeptic (I heard he never even believed in Santa as a kid) and crusher of dreams, would be the last one to believe me. Apparently so did he.<em>

* * *

><p>"You're all insane!" Lewis ranted over coffee. "Jeanne, you are <em>not<em> the reincarnation of a drunk American army doctor, because reincarnation is a myth, soulmates are statistically impossible, and M*A*S*H is fictional." Trapper Jeanne glared. "Carson, you're really not helping _anything_ by humouring her. Buying that bathrobe for her was a big mistake; I tried to warn you." Carson broke off a chunk of Jake's muffin - much to his annoyance - and threw it across the table at Lewis. "Jake, those dreams are just a manifestation of cryptomnesia that appears 'spooky'. It is not any indication of past lives or ESP. The thing with Hayley's text was _dumb luck_." Jake stared down at his wounded muffin and tried not to look embarrassed or indignant. "Mim, this is the sort of crackpot theory you'd buy into, but honestly this one is even more insane than your one about how all media, including the entire Internet, is controlled by a shepherd-"

"The Shepherd." Mim corrected. "It's true! That's why the news is always about evil terrorists, or diseases, or psychopaths! And why most TV is now just crap about the private lives of minor celebrities!" She paused a moment. "And probably why original-flavour Trapper got written out of M*A*S*H."

"Hear, hear!" New-but-potentially-unimproved-flavour Trapper interjected.

"Shut up!" Lewis slammed a hand down on the table in a pathetic but effective demand for silence. "You've made it worse! Tassie, I thought you were on my side in all this, but you've gone whacko too!"

"No I haven't." Tassie replied. "All I'm trying to say is that maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't dismiss this as fantasy! Maybe Jeanne's right! I mean, it's _unlikely_, but that's what everyone said about the chances of Farrow getting a girlfriend!"

"Tassie, it's not the same thing, and I will prove to you all that the Reincarnated Trapper theory is, to put it politely, bullshit."

Carson and Jake simultaneously grabbed hold of Jeanne's wrists to stop her assaulting the speaker.

"How?" Mim inquired in a tone of voice that advertised the fact that she couldn't care less.

"You know all that regression therapy crap?"

"That stuff _works!_" Mim yelled.

"Well, I have an appointment with some guy who thinks he can send me back to my past life. He won't be able to, and if he can I won't be going back to being a fictitious 1950s housewife. Myth busted."

Jeanne wrenched her arms free, tore another chunk from Jake's muffin (earning a cry of protestation) and chucked it over at Lewis. "I'm not going to give you your card now."

"What card?" He asked, confused.

"I felt bad about cheating on you so I bought a card."

"When did you cheat on me?"

"In at least one of our past lives." Trapper Jeanne said matter-of-factly, leaning back in her chair.

"Oh, God." Lewis muttered. _The sooner I can debunk this, the better._

* * *

><p><em>His dedication to disproving my theory was sort of an obsession, much like my quest to find Hawkeye. (All my YouTube plea got me was 'thou shalt burn in hell'-type things, a few people thinking it was an unorthodox fanvid a la The Lizzie Bennet Diaries (although most of that lot liked it), and a few people who offered to 'help' me with my 'psychological issues'.) <em>

_The Lewis Bricker who left us was sane, relaxed, and open. The guy who came back was...not._

* * *

><p>Come Monday, Lewis was acting weirdly.<p>

He started being nicer to Trapper Jeanne, and stopped criticising her whenever the topic of the quest came up.

He'd listen to the throwaway comments of other people, including Jake, Tassie, Carson and Mim, and scribble them down in a notebook full of weird calculations.

He'd make excuses to leave whenever someone asked him what was going on.

He still hadn't told them about Sunday's regression.

"Alien abduction." Mim declared confidently after school, when Lewis had opted to go straight home rather than walk back with the others. Ordinarily they wouldn't really care - ever since Year Seven it had just been the five of them anyway - but this was decidedly _not _ordinary. "It has to be. They did all those freaky experiments on him and sent his brain out of whack."

"Ah, so _that's_ what happened to you." Carson ruffled her hair to show he didn't mean it.

"Zip it, Spears," She warned. "And if you touch my hair again, just remember I know people who can hurt you."

"Well, he _is _acting a little crazy..." Tassie replied.

"Maybe he heard something he didn't want to." Jake suggested.

"Maybe." Jeanne shrugged. "Or maybe he's just lost it."

"Steven from Psych reckons he's either developed some degree of paranoia overnight or is on drugs." Carson replied.

"And he also reckons I have Multiple Personality Disorder." Jeanne counters. "Taking five Psychology classes, reading one textbook, and watching a couple of documentaries doesn't make you a qualified psychiatrist."

"I don't care. C'mon, Jakey, we're leaving before the Martians come back for seconds." Mim dragged Lewis off down her street.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, Jake had a few issues of his own...<em>

* * *

><p>"Lewis isn't the only one acting weird around here. You're being a little nuts too."<p>

"It's nothing!" Jake bluffed. "Really!"

"It's something! Spill!" Mim darted into Jake's line of vision as he turned away from her.

"It's nothing!" He repeated insistently.

"Tell me! I'm your best friend!"

"You wouldn't understand!"

"Tassie doesn't understand _anything _and that never stopped anyone!" Miyumi retorted, before taking a good look at Jake's face. "It's about Tassie, isn't it?"

"No!"

"Are you in love with Anastasia Drake?"

"No."

"Are you in _like _with her?"

"Maybe."

"Well, I understand _that!_ Just because I'm single doesn't mean I don't understand unrequited love! Last year I had the biggest crush on Jennifer Lawrence, remember?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

"I dunno. Ask Carson or Trapper Jeanne, not me. They'd be better with this stuff."

* * *

><p>"<em>Do something nice."<em> Carson said when Jake called later. _"She'll like that."_

"Like what?"

"_How should I know?"_

"Because you're better with this stuff than me."

_"Not always..."_

Jake contemplated this for a moment, before taking the plunge. "Are you going to ask Jeanne out... or something?"

_"Nope."_

"But-"

_"I'm not her type." _

That was the end of that particular discussion.

* * *

><p><em>Enough about that, though. The main thing is, there's an explanation for what's going on vis a vis reincarnation.<em>

* * *

><p>"Hey," Tassie reached into her bag the next day at lunch and pulled out a small box of chocolates, "someone left these in my locker. Who wants one?"<p>

Mim got in first, followed by Carson and Jeanne. Lewis, miraculously, looked up from the anonymous calculations to take one. "Jake?" Tassie pushed the box towards him.

"Don't you want 'em?" He asked, not meeting her eyes.

"Nah. I'm allergic to the stuff they use in cremes."

Jake sighed and picked one out as the rest of the group, barring the chocolate donor, exchanged sympathetic glances.

"So Lewis," Carson asked in an attempt to change the subject, "what's up with you?"

"Huh?"

"You're being weird." Trapper Jeanne shrugged, pickng at the gelatinous too on her plate that might have been gravy, but could equally easily have been syrup of some kind.

"Life just got weird." He replied simply.

Mim scrunched up her nose. "Eh?"

"Turns out that regression stuff can work, and instead of debunking her I think I might have proved our Trapper Jeanne's the real deal."

There was a silence, before Jeanne responded with "I told you so" and Carson started clapping.

"I've been trying to figure out how this can be happening," Lewis continued, "and this is what I've come up with:

"Our universe is actually part of a larger multiverse. Some of the universes contained within correspond, for some unknown reason, with fiction. The passage of a corporeal entity between two universes is impossible, however reincarnation can occur trans universe since the soul is noncorporeal. I know it sounds sketchy, but-"

"It makes a weird kind of sense, I guess..." Tassie agreed, making a mental note to ask Jake what the hell Lewis had been babbling on about later. He'd lost her at 'corporeal',although she'd made it further than most of the table. Carson had only made it to 'multiverse', Mim hadn't been listening, Jake had been distracted by Tassie's rejection, and Jeanne was more concerned with who and why than with how.

"So it's official, then." Carson said.

"We're not us." Jake added.

"The League of Reincarnated Draftees." Mim waved a hand as though visualising the words on a billboard.

Lewis coughed.

"The League of Reincarnated Draftees, and Lewis." She corrected.

* * *

><p><em>So that's the news from the League of Reincarnated Draftees and Lewis today! <em>

_Trapper Jeanne, out._

_Oh, and Hawk? I'm not giving up on us just yet._

* * *

><p>"Jake?"<p>

"Yeah?" _Tassie really does have beautiful eyes, _thought Jake as he turned to her.

"Can you do me a favour?"

"Yeah, uh, sure thing!" he stammered.

"You know Darren?" He nodded. "Well, we have a date tonight and I need you to do your squinty thing just to check he wasn't Hawkeye last time around, otherwise Trapper Jeanne will kill me in my sleep."

"He's not." Jake's voice was hollow. "And tell her Angus from the leisure centre isn't either."


	6. Ghostbusted

**_Halloween Special! Mim and the others become semireluctant ghost hunters..._**

* * *

><p><em>Happy Halloween! OK, admittedly that was yesterday, but who's counting?<em>

_31st October was pretty weird this year. It all started with Mim's long-running rivalry with Eric Zimmerman. They've been at each other's throats since Year Eight. (Privately, I think it's because he likes her, but she has no interest in him and never will.)_

* * *

><p>"You won't do it." Zimmerman taunted.<p>

"Course I will!" Mim argued.

"£50 says you're too _scared!"_

"I am _not t_oo scared! I'll do it!"

Mim returned, excited, to the habitual League table.

"What was all that about?" asked Carson.

"That guy is an idiot, but he's an idiot who just gave me money!"

"How so?" Jeanne shoved her plate away from her. "Jake? Do you want my chicken?"

"I thought it was turkey." He took it anyway.

"I tasted beef." Tassie corrected.

"It's quorn." Mim stated. "Anyhow, Zimmerman bet £50 I wouldn't be able to spend the night in the old house across the street from him tomorrow night." It was the 30th October.

Jake stopped chewing. "The haunted one?"

"You know ghosts aren't real, right?" Lewis, in contrast, seemed unfazed.

"Sure they are!" Tassie deposited the rest of her meat/fungus onto Jake's plate. "People have been known to go in there and never come out!"

Trapper Jeanne inspected her dessert, before rejecting that too. "That's a myth." She deposited the brown, sprinkled goop into Jake's bowl. Half of it looked like chocolate mousse or blancmange, the other like jelly.

"Hey," Carson suggested, "we should all go."

Trap considered this for a moment, before saying "Sure, why not?"

Any further discussion of the matter was interrupted by Jake. "Even I can't eat this."

* * *

><p><em>Mim decided we had to dress up, which we did with varying levels of success, and assemble in front of the house at ten.<em>

* * *

><p>"<em>I am Dracula!"<em> Announced Carson as he and Trapper Jeanne stood huddled outside the abandoned building.

"No you're not," she retorted, wishing she'd brought her coat, "you're just a berk with too much hair gel, no fangs and a cheap polyester cape."

"I have fangs!" He pulled a set of fake plastic teeth out of his pocket and shoved them in his mouth. "Pthee?

Jeanne clapped sarcastically.

"'N' mwat'r ympf thuppoth't t'pee?" He mumbled.

"What?"

Carson removed the crap fangs and wiped the drool off with his cloak. "I said, 'and what are you supposed to be?"

"Hayley Michaelson, duh. Everyone's scared of _her_."

"Why is Carson dressed as Craig Revel-Horwood?" Asked Tassie (some kind of wraith) as she, Lewis (Lewis) and Mim (full-on theatrical witch) joined them.

"I'm Dracula."

"Whatevz."

"Hey," Mim looked around, "where's Jake?"

"Here!"

The others stared at him, unimpressed. "Do they even _make _pumpkin costumes for people over 6?" Lewis definitely couldn't remember seeing any.

"I don't see why we had to dress up anyway." he complained. "You didn't."

"It's dumb."

"You could've at least thrown a sheet over your head. Get into the spirit of things." Carson quipped.

"There isn't a ghost of a chance."

"That was truly pathetic, Jeanne." Lewis said, wishing he'd just dressed up after all.

"Let's just go in," Mim began dragging her massive bag through the door, "I have money to win."

* * *

><p><em>And so our night began...<em>

* * *

><p>The six of them set up camp on the landing.<p>

"I didn't know we had to bring anything!" Tassie, somewhat predictably, was the only one without a sleeping bag.

"That's OK, I have a spare." Where Miss Drake was concerned, Jake's speech tended to speed up.

"Thanks!" She smiled gratefully.

"Again, this is stupid." Lewis complained.

"Shut up or I'll hex you!" Mim pointed her fake wand at him threateningly.

"You have no powers."

"That's what you think!"

_Thunk!_

"What was that?" Carson asked.

Jeanne stood up cautiously. "I'm going to have a look." She edged over to the stairs and looked down (the noise had come from somewhere downstairs). "There's nothing there."

"It was probably nothing." Lewis shrugged.

_Thunk!_

"That wasn't nothing."

Mim straightened her oversized hat and get to her feet. "Let's go investigate."

* * *

><p><em>My friends, if Miyumi Kan ever asks you to help her become a rival to the Ghostbusters, DON'T! Her kit is nowhere near as effective, sophisticated, or actually functional.<em>

* * *

><p>"You sure this will protect us?" Jake stared dubiously down at the electric flyswatter Mim had pulled from her massive bag. She had provided two, one of whom had been taken by Tassie, along with two torches and two plastic carrier bags with the holes taped over for catching ghosts.<p>

"Sure."

"No they won't." Lewis stood with the other two in the living room. The three had opted to search the downstairs area, and Carson, Trapper Jeanne and Tassie explored upstairs to check for anything else that might be lurking.

"Whatever." Miyumi began to march downstairs, followed by Lewis, then Jake.

* * *

><p><em>Turns out there may have really been paranormal activity in that building - and we were going to face it armed with only a flyswatter, an RSPB torch, and a bag.<em>

* * *

><p>"So what are we looking for?" Jeanne quizzed, plastic bag crammed into her pocket.<p>

"Ghosts." Carson replied, matter-of-factly.

"We're screwed." Tassie muttered.

"No, we're not. Everything is-' Before Carson could finish, all the lights went out. He flicked on the torch as Tassie brandished the flyswatter defensively.

"Care to repeat that?"

"Shhhhhhhh!" A small movement in the top right corner of the room caught Jeanne's eye. "What's that?"

The small, flickering _thing _shot straight through the ceiling. Carson broke away from the small group and set up the ladder still leaning against a wall where the house's previous owners had left it.

"I'm going to investigate." He pushed open the hatch and climbed up into the roof, disappearing from sight, taking the torch with him.

* * *

><p>"What do you think's making the noise?" Jake asked, waving the torch as his group made their way down to the basement. The three had switched roles after Jake realised that wielding the flyswatter would mean he, in theory, would have to approach the ghost. Mim had taken on that job and Lewis now held the anti-ghost carrier bag.<p>

"I dunno." Lewis whispered back (he didn't really know why he was whispering, just that speaking normally felt oddly intrusive). "Now hold that thing _still!"_

"Sorry."

"I think it's the Faceless Old Woman." The two boys looked at their female companion in confusion. "You know? The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home? From _Welcome to Night Vale_?"

"Nope."

"You guys are so uncultured." she muttered. Then: "Dammit! I should have been her this year! It would have been awesome!"

"Is there really a faceless old woman secretly living in my home?" Jake murmured.

"No."

"Yes."

_Thunk._

* * *

><p><em>My life as I knew it could quite possibly have ended that night, all thanks to Mim and her stupid bet.<em>

* * *

><p>"Should we really be waiting for the ghost in plain sight?"<p>

"I'm not sure..."

Tassie and Trapper Jeanne looked at each other, before beginning to edge away from the ladder and into one of the bedrooms, closing the door behind them.

"I knew this place was haunted." Tassie grabbed hold of her friend's hands tightly. "I knew it, and you didn't listen!"

"I'm sorry, OK?"

The door began to creak open, and the girls bolted, crouching down behind the other side of the bed, knowing their weapon was completely useless, that Jeanne might not live long enough to be reunited with Hawkeye, and that whatever was living in that house would find them.

"It was nice knowing you, Trapper Jeanne Mackerby."

"Right back at you."

A light shone into the darkened room. "Trap? Tassie?

"Carson?"

* * *

><p><em>There was, however, a rational explanation...at least, that's what we thought.<em>

* * *

><p>Lewis, Jake and Mim tiptoed down the steps leading to the basement, trying to make as little noise as possible. They didn't even dare whisper.<p>

Then the torch ddied, and Lewis and Mim each felt a hand latch onto their arms.

As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, they saw a figure looming at the far end, and Mim wracked her brains for some kind of banishing spell that didn't come from _Harry Potter._

"We come in peace?"

The thing laughed, and flicked on the light.

"Zimmerman," she fixed him with a piercing glare, "I...am going...to _kill you!_"

"You were making the thunking noise?" Lewis asked.

"I was trying to scare Kan off."

"And the lights shorting out?" Jake let go of his friends.

"There's a master switch down here."

Carson, Jeanne and Tassie joined them. "What's he doing here?"

"This is the thunk," Mim announced, "and since he cheated, he owes me £50."

"And what about the thing in the attic?" Carson hadn't been able to locate it after all.

"What thing in the attic?" It was clear Zimmerman had no idea.

The seven stood in silence for a moment, staring round.

* * *

><p><em>We spent the rest of the night huddled in Jake's living room, and we still don't know what the Thing In The Attic was. I'm not sure I want to find out.<em>

_If anyone has any information on this, please tell me. The same goes for anyone knowing the modern-day whereabouts of Hawkeye (Angus was a bust) or why Mim is currently sat on the end of my bed with a tan stocking pulled over her face and with a grey wig on top of it. It's starting to creep me out..._


	7. Memories of Tassie Drake

**_AN: this one might not be my best work. _**

**When tragedy (allegedly) strikes, the gang find themselves reminiscing over ttheir lives with a certain someone among them...but has lightning really struck in the same place twice?**

* * *

><p><em>They say you don't know what you've got til it's gone. It's true. We've all been there.<em>

* * *

><p>"We really need to talk about leadership." Tassie announced.<p>

Her fellow League members turned to stare at her. "Why?" Carson asked.

"Because we do."

Jeanne muttered something about 'I shoulda known' under her breath.

"As I was the highest-ranking in our past incarnations, it would make sense for-"

"You were a crap leader then." Mim retorted. "What makes you think you'd be better now?"

"If anyone should be the leader it should be Trapper Jeanne or Carson." Jake added. "I mean, we wouldn't even know if it hadn't been for Trap, and-" he paused, remembering he shouldn't reveal Carson's claim, "and Carson just seems leader-like."

Lewis shrugged indifferently. "And I'm the brains here."

"We don't even need a leader." Trap finished, "We're fine as we are."

Tassie waved a dismissive hand. "Fine. Have it your way." She stormed off, clinking under the weight of her badge collection. The effect was slightly ruined by her having to pick one up when it fell off her coat, but she carried on her way. _Sometimes, _she thought, _I really don't think they respect me._

Instead of walking home with the others, she called her dad to collect her. (No-one trusted Tassie to get the bus without incident. That was something else that bothered her.)

* * *

><p><em>We didn't think about it anymore until Jake's email.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>New message<strong>

**To **_Trap_; _Carson_; _Mim_; lewis,bricker gmail,co,uk

**Subject** Bad news

Guys? I can't be sure, but I have this horrible feeling something happened to Tassie on the way home tonight. I think there might have been an accident.

* * *

><p><em>What can you do when you hear something like that? If it had come from anyone else I'd have laughed - how can you be sure? - but Jake tends to be right about this stuff. It was kinda hard to take in. <em>

_We didn't tell our parents, figured it would be best for them to find out from her family. We knew, though._

* * *

><p>There was no news on the subject by the next morning.<p>

"I can't believe it." Carson shook his head sadly as the other four definitely-still-alive Leaguers murmured assent.

Jake took another sip of his coffee, grimacing as he swallowed.

"Jake, if you don't like it, don't keep ordering it." Trapper sighed.

After that, the five of them were silent for a while.

"Look," Mim announced finally, "we can't just sit here being depressed. It's Saturday; Tassie loved Saturdays. Let's talk, remember her like she'd _want_ to be remembered." She closed her eyes and waved her index finger at her friends, before opening them again. She was pointed at Lewis. "You go first."

"Alright." He cleared his throat. "I didn't really know her all that well, but she stood up for me in the reincarnation debate until we realised we were wrong."

"Well, that was an anti-climax." muttered Carson.

"You go next, then."

"Anastasia Drake and I go way back to, like, Year Four. She was being bossy and annoying and Trap and I were the only ones who wanted to tell her her ideas sucked. She actually took it pretty well. Since then, we've been pretty much the only people she's ever allowed to correct her. We stuck up for her if anyone else tried, and in exchange she'd stick up for us."

"Jeanne?"

* * *

><p><em>It's amazing the things you can remember about people when they're not around.<em>

* * *

><p>"I remember...it was summer. We were starting secondary school in three weeks and she was absolutely terrified. She was used to being one of the eldest and knowing where she was and who she was with. The two of us and Carson - we'd basically spent the whole holiday together - made this pact that, whatever happened, we'd stay together as a package deal. I guess we never really stopped doing that; we took practically the same subjects for GCSE. At the time, though, it felt really important. She looked us straight in the eyes and said, 'I'm holding you to that. You abandon me, I'll kill you.' That was when I knew we'd be friends for life."<p>

"Jake?"

"She actually cared about me. Most people just ignored me, but Tassie didn't. I don't think she ever saw me as an equal," he broke off, sniffed sadly, and carried on, "but she was nice, y'know? I don't think I'd be friends with any of you if Tassie hadn't bothered with me." Mim glared.

"I'd have still hung out with you!"

"I know _you_ would, but Carson and Trapper Jeanne probably wouldn't, and I'd never even have spoken to Lewis properly."

It was true, the three of them realised. Without Tassie, the League of Reincarnated Draftees And Lewis might not exist as it was.

"Now me. Here goes." Mim took a deep breath. "I always thought I'd lose all my female friends if I ever came out. That's why I only ever told my parents and Jake, cos I knew they wouldn't care so much. Then one day Tassie was trying to get me to play 'Snog, Marry, Avoid' for these three guys in one of our classes, and I was sick of it, so I told her and walked off. When I eventually left the toilet cubicle she was waiting for me. She said she wouldn't tell anyone else if I didn't want her to, then offered to set me up with her cousin. That wasn't really what I wanted to hear, but I felt better after that because she still liked me. It made everything else easier somehow, having her support."

Silence fell over the table again. "Amen to that." Carson said finally.

* * *

><p><em>We were always a little judgemental about Tassie. She was a little bossy, a little ditzy sometimes, but she never deserved any of that. And we all thought the last time we'd ever spoken to her was to complain.<em>

_That really hurt._

_Sometimes, the Universe just has it in for you. Then there's the other times, when it allows you to cheat fate, just for a little while._

* * *

><p>From the other side of the small café came the faint clatter of someone opening the door.<p>

"I cannot believe this." A familiar voice said as a familiar form slid into the empty seat. "Have you guys kicked me out or something?"

"Ghosts do exist!" gasped Jake as the five of them stared.

"I'm not a ghost, you idiot," laughed Tassie, "why would you think that?"

"Jake said you were in a car crash." Carson supplied.

"I was. We got stuck in traffic, there were about four cars behind us, and this moron slammed into the back of the line. I don't know what happened to the other people, but I'm pretty much fine." She stopped. "It's weird, though. At the moment of impact, I wasn't myself anymore, and I wasn't where I was. I was someone else, somewhere else. And I was drowning."


	8. In Good Kompany

**_AN: This episode is really more of a character study, but the next installment will have Something Big in it!_**

**Mim sets up a matchmaking agency, leading Trapper to pin her hopes on her friend and maybe to some insight on her fellow Reincarnated Draftees (and Lewis)...**

* * *

><p><em>You know you're desperate when you put your chances of redemption and true MASHian love in the hands of Mim and one of her moneymaking ventures.<em>

* * *

><p>"Who wants to sign up?"<p>

The rest of the League eyed Mim sceptically.

"Sign up for what?" Carson asked.

"Kan's Kupid Kompany." she replied, beaming. She'd customised a pale pink shirt and white knee-length skirt with red fabric hearts for the occasion. "I would have waited for Valentine's Day to launch it, then I remembered that love shouldn't be left up to the calendar to decide. And also that bad things happen on Valentine's Day and we should all fear it."

"Night Vale isn't real, Mim." Tassie informed her, remembering something the slihghtyly smaller girl had told her a couple of years back.

"That's what they want you to think..."

"Hey, we're the reincarnations of fictional characters," Lewis countered, "it's entirely possible the Night Vale universe sits alongside our own."

"What do I have to do?" Four heads turned to stare at Trap. "What? I need all the help I can get."

"Just fill in the form like so." Mim waved a pink-and-red sheet in Jeanne's face.

* * *

><p><em>Below is a photo of Mim's demo form, reprinted with her kind permission. I will also be publishing those filled out by my fellow Reincarnated Draftees (and Lewis).<em>

**_Note from Mim: She stole my iPod and held it to ransom. Allowing her to print my form was the only way I could get it back._**

**_Note from Tassie and co: We did not authorize this._**

**_Note from 'and co': Our names are Carson, Jake and Lewis. We don't want to be 'and co'._**

**_Note from Tassie: Whatevz._**

_Note from Trapper: Shut up all of you!_

**Name**: Miyumi Kan.

**Year group:** 12

**Looking for [boys/girls/either]:** Girls

**Likes [pick 3]** : Fashion design, Welcome To Night Vale, fruit coolers from Costa

**Dislikes [pick 3]:** Christmas jumpers, puce, chewing gum.

_(Seriously. That was it in its entirety.)_

* * *

><p>"How are you supposed to figure out if you're compatible with someone from that?" asked Jake.<p>

"Well, I look at the details-" Someone (probably Carson, but conceivably any of them) snoirted at this, "then, based off the information I have, I'll arrange a date. The clients learn if they're compatible or not themselves. It's the most natural way to run a dating agency there is. If there aren't sparks, maybe my clients will get a new friend out of it, since they'll have something in common."

"Gimme the form."

* * *

><p><span><strong>Name:<strong> Trapper Jeanne Mackerby

**Year group**: 12

**Looking for [boys/girls/either]**: Hawkeye Pierce (so potentially either)

**Likes [pick 3]:** M*A*S*H, rock music, science

**Dislikes [pick 3**]: Bigots, One Direction, Ben Farrow

* * *

><p>"May as well." <em>The girl I like will never like me back anyway.<em>

**Name**: Carson K. Spears

**Year group:** 12

**Looking for [boys/girls/either]:** Girls (one in particular)

**Likes [pick 3]:** Music, biology, Trapper Jeanne Mackerby

**Dislikes [pick 3]:** Stupid people, apples, ketchup (Just no. I can't.)

* * *

><p>"Could be fun."<em> I'm so bored right now I'd pull out my hair strand by strand just for something to do.<em>

* * *

><p><span><strong>Name:<strong> Anastasia Drake

**Year group**: 12

**Looking for [boys/girls/either]:** Boys.

**Likes [pick 3]:** Badges, oranges, OneRepublic.

**Dislikes [pick 3]:** Those foot fish they use in pedicures, vinegar, khaki (ironically)

* * *

><p>"Maybe I'll finally get a girlfriend."<em> Maybe Tassie...<em>

* * *

><p><span><strong>Name<strong>: Jake Orwell

**Year group:** 12

**Looking for [boys/girls/either]**: Girls.

**Likes [pick 3]**: Comics, people, pizza

**Dislikes [pick 3]:** Maths, sheep (they are creepy), swimming.

* * *

><p>"Only because all you guys are doing it." <em>Why did I pick these weirdos to hang out with?<em>

* * *

><p><span><strong>Name<strong>: Lewis Bricker

**Year group:** 12

**Looking for [boys/girls/either]:** Girls.

**Likes [pick 3]:** Maths, Science, TV

**Dislikes [pick 3]:** English, boredom, being dumped for Alan Alda.

_Note from Trapper: I did not dump you for Alan Alda, I dumped you for the reincarnation of Hawkeye Pierce. It's entirely different, so please stop saying that!_

**_Note from Lewis: Which one sounds saner?_**

_Note from Trapper: Point taken._

* * *

><p>That night, Mim sifted through her limited applicant pool. Made two matches.<p>

* * *

><p>"I cannot believe that girl!" Tassie whinged from her bedroom. "She set me up with Jake!"<p>

"You stood him up?" Jeanne replied from the ladies' looks at McDonalds.

"Threw a sickie. I feel like crap for it. How's your date?"

"AWOL. There was just Carson here. Think he got ditched as well. Who picks McD's for a date anyway?"

"Mim, that's who."

* * *

><p><em>Spending the evening eating fast food with Carson wasn't the worst thing that could have happened, I guess. But the question remains: Who was my blind date? And was he (or she) Hawk?<em>

_I have to know._

* * *

><p>Mim never gave away her secrets, but she knew everyone else's. She knew who Hawkeye was.<p>

She knew Trapper Jeanne wouldn't believe her. Not until she was ready


	9. Revelations

**Trapper Jeanne has catastrophic news, and Carson's middle name is revealed - as is Hawkeye's modern-day identity...**

* * *

><p><em>Something really, really bad just happened. Not just regular bad, <em>WTK _bad. Yep, that's _WTK _as in _Welcome to Korea_. Pretty bad._

_My mum told me something the other day. Turns out my new status as 'literally the female Trapper John' hasn't escaped her notice._

_Turned out she's worried._

* * *

><p>"What does the K stand for?" Jake asked out of nowhere.<p>

_"What?" _

"Carson K Spears." he said by way of explanation. "You're always Carson K Spears, but you never actually tell us what the K stands for. So what is it?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Carson K Spears replied.

"Karl?"

"Nope."

"Kurt?" Tassie guessed.

"Nope."

"Kevin?" Mim paused. "If it's Kevin we are no longer on speaking terms; I will not associate with anyone who shares a name with an employee of StrexCorp."

"It's not Kevin." Carson K reassured her, confused.

"Great! We can be friends."

"Mim, it's not real." Tassie grumbled.

"That's what they want you to think."

"Kyle?" Lewis suggested.

"No."

"Trap, wanna guess?" Mim's bubbly enthusiasm (someone must have broken the Golden Rule and given her too much sugar) contrasted with her friend's personal black cloud of gloom.

"Nah."

* * *

><p><em>I tried not to tell the others, but it was too hard. Besides, they'd find out anyway; it was only fair I warned them. I'm not the sort of person who leaves without saying goodbye. Not anymore.<em>

* * *

><p>"Are you okay? You're acting weird."<p>

"It's _nothing_, Louise."

"Lewis."

"That's a technicality."

"Whatever it is, you can tell us." Carson said reassuringly as Lewis scowled. He might have accepted his past life as Louise McIntyre, but that didn't mean he was alright with being called by her name.

For a moment, there was no response, before Jeanne realised she had to tell them sometime and blurted: "I'm leaving!"

Five voices responded identically. "What?"

"My mum says I might need 'help' regarding the Trapper thing. I'll be spending the Christmas holidays in some kinda councilling. After that I think she's sending me to the sixth form college rather than back here. I'm sorry."

* * *

><p><em>History repeats itself, I guess. When I was Trapper I left. As Jeanne I'm leaving. But, fortunately, as Jeanne I still have the awesome friendsweirdo tagalongs I had as Trapper. (I love reincarnation!)_

* * *

><p>"Make way for Trapper Jeanne Mackerby!" Carson bellowed as Jake and Mim attempted to carry Trap down the corridor. "She's finally getting out of this dump!" The League had plans. Trapper was going to milk her situation for all she was worth. Being the Official School Psychopath (a title coveted by Mim, for reasons she refused to admit) had pushed her to the bottom of the food chain, but people were going to have to be nice to her.<p>

* * *

><p><em>The following day, even Ben and Hayley were...civil (I wouldn't say 'friendly' or 'sympathetic'). Granted, it was probably cos they were finally getting rid of me, but it was civility nonetheless.<em>

* * *

><p>On the second-to-last day of term, the six of them stood huddled outside the school gates.<p>

"Well, I guess this is it." Jeanne murmured. She wouldn't be I the following day.

"We'll still meet up over Christmas, right?" Jake asked.

"I'll try." the blonde promised.

Far above their heads,a helicopter passed by.

"Anyone else think it'd be right for that chopper to pick me up?"

"I'll miss you, you know that?" Carson armwrapped her, feeling the sharp sting of heartbreak already setting in. They'd still talk, he was certain, but it wouldn't be the same.

"You rock." Tassie added as he dragged her into the group hug.

"Totes." Mim threw herself in, dragging Jake behind her.

"Ow."

"Shut up, Jake."

"You're a better friend than girlfriend." Trap kicked Lewis in the shin. He winced and joined the cluster.

They broke apart after a few minutes.

"Carson?" Jeanne inquired.

"What?"

"Kanye. Is that what K is for?"

"Not even close."

"Then what?" Demanded Tassie.

"Y'know how my dad's really into Americana?" Nods. "Kennedy. Like the President."

Jeanne felt a weird sense of déjà vu.

The group said their goodbyes and began to go their separate ways, but it was Carson she found herself staring after.

* * *

><p><em>I knew I'd missed something, but I stood there trying to figure out what it was.<em>

* * *

><p>"Carson!" He turned. "Wait!"<p>

* * *

><p><em>Then it hit me.<em>

* * *

><p>"What?"<p>

"There's something I need to say. Something I should have said a long time ago but never managed to."

* * *

><p><em>I still don't know how I didn't see it, but I had to act.<em>

* * *

><p>"So say it."<p>

"Goodbye." She looked down at her boots.

"You said that already." he replied, confused.

"No." She shook her head. "I don't mean just now."

Realisation dawned on his face. "You mean-"

"MASH 4077th, South Korea, 1952. I don't know why I didn't say it, but I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

* * *

><p><em>So here I am, alone in my room. Our reunion wasn't exactly what I'd hoped for, but I guess it's a start. Maybe we can finally be together. Hawkeye and Trapper. Carson and Jeanne. <em>

_Whoever the them, we've always been us._

* * *

><p>"Hey!" The teenage girl with the auburn hair beamed as she stood behind the empty seat at the League's habitual table the following day at lunch. She was going to be joining them next term, and figured these five seemed like the sort of people she wanted to hang out with. "My name's Carrie Jane Harkett. CJ. Mind if I sit here?"<p>

* * *

><p><strong>This story will be going on hiatus until the New Year, but it's not over, I promise!<strong>


	10. Return To Korea

**I have returned, and I own nnothing!**

**PS if you get the WTNV references throughout this, I like you. Let's be friends.**

* * *

><p><em>Six decades ago, Trapper John McIntyre left Korea without even saying goodbye.<em>

_Five weeks ago, Trapper Jeanne Mackerby left her crappy comprehensive with _two _goodbyes - not that it made any difference to her (his?) story._

_This time, things will be different._

_This time, _I _will be different._

_I'm back._

* * *

><p>CJ Harkett was a great person; no-one was in any doubt about that. She was smart. Funny. Pretty in a girl-next-door kind of way. Loyal.<p>

Carson thought she was amazing.

Jake thought she was awesome.

Mim...well, it was hard to understand what Mim thought at the best of times. When CJ wasn't around, she referred to her as 'Desert Bluffs Trapper', but no-one really knew what that meant.

Tassie and Lewis, however, felt somewhat unsettled.

She was sometimes _annoyingly_ smart. The similarities in her and Carson's senses of humour was almost creepy at times. If you looked at her long enough her wholesome butter-wouldn't-melt cuteness was sickening. Her devotion to her new friends was bizarre considering she almost never talked about her old mates in Cornwall.

She was a living, breathing Mary Sue.

And she wasn't a true Reincarnated Draftee. Admittedly, Lewis wasn't either, but he was close enough.

"Does anyone else miss Jeanne?" Tassie asked.

"Uh...kinda." Jake mumbled through a mouthful of anonymous food.

Lewis nodded. "I do."

"Yeah," Mim said briefly, before carrying on cutting her chicken (?) into microscopic squares and launching them in the direction of Hayley and her new boyfriend.

"A little..." Carson admitted sadly, before mentally shaking himself and trying to force Trapper Jeanne out of her mind.

"Jeanne?" CJ looked up. "That crazy girl who thought we lived in the fifties?"

"No," Tassie replied.

"She didn't think this was the fifties. She knew it was the modern day." Lewis continued.

"Oh. Then who did _I _hear about?"

"This weekend," Tassie said as the six of them began walking home, "we should watch _M*A*S*H_. All of us."

"Are you alright?" Carson tipped his head to the side. "Because right now you seem more like Jeanne than Tassie."

"I think Trap's just temporarily taken control of Tassie's body," Mim replied blithely. "She'll probably get bored and leave in a few minutes."

"Woah," Jake stared, wide-eyed at his crush. "Trapper? You in there?"

"I just miss her, that's all."

"_M*A*S*H_?" CJ wrinkled her nose in a way that was almost unattractive but somehow managed to look adorable instead. "Isn't that show from, like, the sixties?"

"Seventies." Lewis corrected. "And the early eighties."

"We can get through the first four seasons in two days if we order takeaways and give up sleeping." Tassie explained.

"Sounds fun," Mim smiled, "I'm in."

"I haven't got anything better to be doing." Lewis shrugged.

"Well, if you guys are all doing it..."

"So it's me, Lewis, Mim and Jake," Tassie checked them off on her fingers. "Carson? CJ?

" Nah. Too busy."

"You guys are so sad." CJ shook her head. From anyone else the remark would have been rude, but from her it seemed amusingly deprecating.

* * *

><p>That Friday, four teenagers piled into the Drakes' living room and flopped down on the sofa - or in Mim's case, the elegant glass coffee table.<p>

"OK. Who brought the -" Tassie was cut off by Jake handing her the first disk. "Ah. Thanks! Mim, get off the table."

"No!"

"Do we order pizza, Indian or Chinese?"

"Pizza!"

"Chinese."

"I want curry."

"I hate curry."

"Shut up!"

"Whatever it is, it can't contain wheat or its by-products."

"Why not?"

"You mean you don't _know?_"

"We'll never actually get to watch this, will we?"

* * *

><p>Three hours later, Mr Drake came home from work to find his daughter and three of her friends sprawled out in the living room eating pizza (they <em>had<em> managed to agree in the end) and watching a show that hadn't been on since he wasn't much older than them.

"Hi," Tassie mumbled through a mouthful of food. "Bye."

_Kids,_ he thought, sighing and leaving the room.

* * *

><p>"Is anyone else getting tired?" Jake asked at around midnight that night.<p>

"Nah!" Mim couldn't have been less tired if she'd tried,probably because she'd been practically mainlining Red Bull since nine.

"Drink your caffeine."

* * *

><p>"A friendly wartime community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and military helicopters fly overhead whilst we all attempt to sleep."<p>

"Mim, don't-"

"Welcome to Korea."

"Oh, God..."

"Why?"

"When we're done with _M*A*S*H_ we should start on _Welcome to Night Vale_."

"No we should not."

* * *

><p>Midway into Season 2, Lewis began scribbling on a scrap of paper. "I'm making a list of who's who in our continuity," he explained on the off chance someone actually cared.<p>

"Shut up, Louise, I'm trying to watch."

"Mim's Klinger, I think I'm Radar, Tassie's probably Henry, and you're Louise."

"Jeanne's obviously Trapper, so Carson's Hawkeye."

"So who was CJ?"

* * *

><p>"Oh. My. God," Tassie was shocked. "I'm <em>dead?<em>"

"Apparently so."

"Does this mean I can walk through walls and stuff?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you're still alive."

"I'm confused."

"You really shouldn't have told us to give up sleeping. You need it."

* * *

><p>"BJ!" Mim yelled triumphantly somewhere in Season 4, amidst the debris from a Chinese takeaway. "Carrie Jane Harkett is BJ Hunnicutt!"<p>

"That's one mystery solved."

"Wait, wasn't BJ married?"

"You think CJ might be a two-timer?"

"I dunno. Maybe."

"I always thought she was too good to be true."

"How do we tell Carson?"

_"Telepathy..."_

"No, Mim."

"But Jake's a bit psychic sometimes!"

"Yeah, but I don't have _that_!"

"Oh."

"We can't tell him. We can't prove anything if all we have to go on is fan speculation on a seventies TV show."

"You think we should spy on her?"

"No I-"

"Shut up, Louise."

"It's _Lewis_."

* * *

><p><em>I seriously have the greatest friends ever.<em>

* * *

><p>Jeanne Mackerby lay sprawled on her bed, depressed and <em>officially<em> a sufferer of Multiple Personality Disorder. Her hair had been straightened and was longer than she usually liked it. Her shirt was an unflattering kind of pinkish colour instead. Her therapist said too much khaki would send her crazy again. It was best to keep the 'Jeanne' part of her and the 'Trapper' part of her as separate as possible. She had spent the last few weeks in counselling, and had, on her therapist's request, been transferred elsewhere to complete her A-Levels. Being around her fellow Reincarnated Draftees for extended periods of time would apparently 'have a detrimental effect on her psychological well-being'. Personally, she thought it was a load of crap. They still talked, but it had been a while since they all met in person. She'd missed them more than she liked to admit.

"Knock, knock!"

"Mim?" She ran to the door.

"Hey!"

"It's us!"

"How are you?"

"Bored. They won't even let me watch _M*A*S*H_! I've been watching _Due South_ a lot, but..." She sighed.

"We need you back." Tassie said.

"I can't."

"CJ is totally Desert Bluffs you and we don't trust her! Kill your double, Trap!"

"I understood none of that."

"CJ is Carson's girlfriend. We think she's this timeline's BJ." Jake supplied.

"What...Carson...has a...well, shit."

"Exactly. We think there might be more to her than he thinks, and I just can't bring myself to like her."

"I think it's cos Tassie and I never met her in the old timeline, whereas Mim, Carson and Jake did."

"Even if I was allowed to come back, I don't think I should. I mean, canonically I'm supposed to stay gone, right?"

"Canonically, I'm dead!"

"Canonically I never met any of you guys aside from Trap!"

"Canonically I'm straight and male!"

"Canonically you and Lewis are married and all."

"We've already butchered canon to the extent that it's barely recognizable anymore!"

"You were always talking about how you need to fix your relationship with Carson or Hawkeye or whoever he is. What better way to change your fate than by changing your story?"

"Okay, I'll try! But no promises."

* * *

><p>"You're in my seat." The taller girl scowled down at CJ.<p>

"No I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"I don't see your name on it." From anyone else that would have been insulting. From CJ it seemed witty.

Not to the new arrival. "There's six seats and six members of the League. Tassie, Carson, Jake, Mim, Lewis and me. I'm not sat down, so you're in my seat."

"Who even _are_ you?"

"My name," she replied, "is Trapper Jeanne Mackerby."

* * *

><p><strong>Oh, dear.<strong>


End file.
